What I was cribbing about has now turned itself into a blessing. Or so I hope. In that respect, the blessings have been pouring on me since yesterday. But two days ago, we lost z mama. I don't want to continue in that vein because then I will stop working. This is my first experience with grief and I pray my last one, and it is odd how it comes in waves. You're fine and your brain is busy warding off any thoughts that want to 'disturb' its peace. And then when you're alone, it HITS. Ya Allah, pour sabr on us.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
This shouldn't be a pich-pich post, but I feel very pich-pichy. If you don't know what pich-pich is, well I'm too pichy to tell you, sorry :P
I'm lost basically. Yeah, great English! Sigh. I know what my problem is: I want instant gratification without any introspection or hard work. I'm avoiding the tasks that will make me introspect. And I'm feeling high or low depending on what the day brings. This should not be happening! It's funny what's bringing this on. So first there was happiness/satisfaction, then this became some form of unrest, and then action, and more unrest. Aarr! I'm also feeling very half-baked. And the solution or at least the path to a solution is right here apparently. Just within a few clicks and some hours of silence which I don't know I'll get and when I'll get them.
There are great things I can do altruistically but no, I want to do stupid things and be paid for them. Or be smart enough to do something great, but that's where all the half-baked doubts start coming in. Also, most importantly, I need to sleep better. Maybe I should just chuck all of this. It's becoming an addiction. YES! That's what it is. An addiction.That should explain the volatility.
Sigh. I need some time off but I'm sure when I get it, I'll probably indulge in more instant gratification.
Such as this post. When there is SO much to write about Sarah. Like her saying thank you on my behalf, or frowning at me to say sorry, or all the words she mispronounces (gop (godh), gavash (giraffe), katora (kotala), fondan (sabun). havash (high five), meemee/dishonaur (dinosaur)), libyayi), the cute things she says: "this is mumma chappal", no no, "don't do that", "Daddy I llav you", "husha beebee make a shond" (hush little baby, don't make a sound (current book and song obsession)), all the actions of the 'Wheels on the bus' song, bishbilla ameen (bismillah, ameen), her praying in front of me on the prayer mat, hugging my legs when I'm in the kitchen, extra laad with the daddy, her imitation of Ammaarah didi's videos, "nunu sogi, nanu sogi, Sarah sogi", playing with the Malay aunty next door and the things that irritate me: throwing her shoes away while we're out, randomly dropping anything that's in her hands, pulling my hair .. actually there's very little apart from these things that she does that *really* irritates me. Oh yeah, she makes calls with my phone. I'm trying to put a stop to that.
Okay, feeling less pichier. Time to wake up the baybee. Alhamdulillah for baby.