Today was a rough day.
I was up several times last night because something, Allah knows what, was bothering N. This was the last morning I'd get to myself before we fly out, but I went back to bed, and woke up, unhappy and irritated, then I had to cook lunch. Called up the parents hoping they. could cheer me up to find out Baba was sick and his symptoms were alarming. The kids came home, played, slept, I normally put away my phone but didn't want to today and that made things worse I guess. I was sleep deprived, worried, stressed and now highly irritable with the interruptions that seemingly never end. S was doing her best to push all my buttons, and when I asked her why, she said I was ignoring her. Ya Allah. I tried not ignoring her, but I just didn't have any patience in me. N threw a fit when she couldn't carry the shopping bags home, so as I carried her and pushed the stroller, I left S behind me as I crossed the road. I remembered halfway but luckily a couple behind me were walking along with her. I don't know what he saw but he asked me to stop, and now I remember thinking, what is it, what did I drop now that you're going to stop and correct me for, but he said let me carry that stroller for you and he took it up the steps, and I thanked him about three times and he brushed it off. And he was Indian. Serves me right for vilifying Indian men in my head, even as I have so many good, decent Indian men in my life.
I have projects that I need to and want to work on, but I don't get around to them. The vacation is coming up, but it doesn't feel like a vacation to me so far, even as I look forward to meeting the parents. I'm crying now. Apparently writing *is* cathartic. Of course it's 12.30 so my brain is reminding me I'll regret staying up later. I would love to have two days, two days would probably be all I could even stand at this point, two days to myself. To work, to read, just be, no interruptions, just peace and quiet and while we're dreaming: comfort food that has negative calories.
A zillion things are calling out to me as I write this: you still haven't exercised, your skin is flared up, you're being ungrateful. I want to turn off that voice and relax. I told M when he called on the way home, that I was going to run away when he got home. I should have done that.
Maybe those are my lessons for the day: 1. Stop comparing yourself with people on your social media, maybe chuck it altogether 2. Be present even if it's difficult because not doing it makes things worse. 3. Take a proper break, not hiding in the bathroom and feeling guilty about it. 4. Breathe and find things to be grateful for.
1. Good Samaritan
2. beautiful shoes
3. that I wrote this post uninterrupted
Alhamdulillah Alaa kulli haal.